YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
