Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
