i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
