could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
