I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
