Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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