I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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