sarcasm needs its own font
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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