there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
