Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
