I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
