I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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