the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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