I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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