My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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