Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
