what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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