The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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