i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
