you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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