based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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