I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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