I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I could make wine with my vomit
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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