Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So vagazzling was a success
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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