I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
