haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
