We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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