You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
