the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
