whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize