hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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