i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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