i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
