my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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