I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
