I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
