I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
