my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
