i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
