The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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