Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
