My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize