Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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