dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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