I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My penis needs a shock collar
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I supernannyed him into submission
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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