I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
