Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
