Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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