Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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