I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have tasted many bathrooms
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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