Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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