You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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