how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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