But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
