I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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