shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
